Friday, 5 October 2012

Diary of a Young Nigerian Virgin

May 23 2005
On my bed...
Dear diary,
Hey I'm 18 today(dancing to Ciara's 1,2 step). My life couldn't be better mehn. I have a boyfriend, I'm in school (though not reading the course I've always dreamt of but I dey shool sha), my life is absolutely rosy and yeah I'm still a virgin. So I thought of doing something today. I want to write a letter to my future self. Let's say in like 10 years time. So here goes (I'm so excited)

Dear Aunty Me (psych..*giggling* Ok seriously),

Hi, this is 18 year old tiny me. I'm sure you are smiling reading this letter and wondering how cute or incorrigible or perhaps jobless you were when you were younger. Well I actually am jobless, a little bit incorrigible and very cute. I sleep like a log and stab lectures like an angry wife would her abusive husband. I eat like a mosquito and I've lost so much weight. My once upon a time big bosom have somehow disappeared with my weight and I still don't have large hips, my hips are as narrow as the road to heaven. So that is how I look like now, but to make it easier for you,I would definitely take photo with Ugo outside before I leave the hall so that you can see how you looked when you clocked 18! 
So how am I doing? Do I have hips now? Are my breasts bigger? Who is your husband? I hope you really love him? What about the kids? How many do you have now? Remember we've or I or you ( anyone jare) always wanted four children, 2 boys and 2 girls. Is Dada the lucky hubby? Ohhh how I wish I could time travel and quickly have a look at the future. Ok so that's why you are there, no hurries I guess.
Now the main gist. How was the sex? As in the wedding night? Did you see the moon and stars or fireworks?! Ooohlalala...oh bwoi I hope the wait was worth it ooo because I'm going through a lot of stress and mockery keeping it here (well you know that already). Yesterday, Moni and Hajarat were gisting about their bfs and how they do it and stuff and they were expecting me to contribute but I just shrugged and walked away. Thank God for Dada sha. Dude is realllyyy understanding and I think it helps that we are miles apart. 
How about work? Hope you are now a popular TV personality and column writer in a fashion magazine? Do you grace red carpets with your unconventional style and earn the top spots on best dressed lists? Did you travel to Dubai at last for that Aladdinish holiday I've always craved for? I hope the answer is yes oo? What about that dream car, that fine Mercedes Benz jeep ride? I hope you've been answering yes all through if not, what have you been doing? What did you do for the past last 10 years, were you sleeping all through, or frozen in a special time machine that just recently defrosted you? 
Oh yeah!Church? Are you now a teenage church pastor? Do you counsel single ladies in relationships? Are you sure of being rapture-able now? I did the bible reading in church at home last month and I felt so comfortable on the pulpit, that is where I ought to be and I hope you've made that dream come through? 
Are you still friends with Ireti, Moni, Hajara, Peju, Lanre, Bola, Chinenye? how are they now? I'm sure they are married to and living fulfilled lives. though I suspect that Hajara to be NFA at times. The chic is gonna be comfortable being a trophy wife. Well na she sabi, that's an ambition too, at least technically speaking.
How is Nigeria? Is Obasanjo still the president? Or is a youth leading us now? Do we now have stable electricity..water..? Do we now have good roads and are we now a financially stable economy? (and yeah is coke now N100?)Remember we used to joke about you being the first female president? Hahahaha dream on dear. I know you're not yet, maybe 10 years from now (as in counting down from your own time).
I'm sure you are tired now as per busy rich career woman,mother and wifey level thingies, so let me drop my pen here. I hope you answered yes to all my questions because they are just the basic ones if not be sad, be very sad. In fact forget you saw 'if not' because I trust you. I never disappoint. You never disappoint, we never disappoint. 
Regards to the kids and husband. Tell them I've always loved them and I still pray for them to be the best-est!

Yours, Plenty Wet Kisses

N.B- Hope you've stopped chewing your nails and tongue too?!

So that's it. I hope me in ten years time get to respond to this someday with a smile on my face on not tears dropping down on the sheets. Time to get dressed for classes. It's gonna be a beautiful day. Gist ya later!

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

So You Think You Can...MARRY

I really don't know how to put all my thoughts into writing at the moment but I will try my best to shed some light on this issue.
In the beginning, there was sex...
Adam and Eve got married in the garden of Eden with God being the witness, best man and even best lady. He created Adam from the soil and Eve from and for Adam. So before, we talk about sex let's first talk about the perfect marriage
The Perfect Marriage
It is over confidence, because God's grace is sufficient!
By perfect marriage, I don't mean, the marriage without challenges. I'm referring to the marriage preordained by God. Stamped and posted by the most Ultimate. God made Eve for Adam because he was alone and needed a partner. Adam was the alpha male then, he had a job, he was the boss, had a home and was ready to have a partner. So as a woman, you cannot just settle for anybody without  first seeking God's consent and approval. 'God, is this my Adam or Eve?' I have written a post about some basic steps to take before saying 'I do' check here but I didn't really hit the 'nails' on the head then.
Please and please I beg you, you have to be perfectly sure about your future partner before you take the huge step of marriage. Pray and fast, then pray and fast again until you are sure. Meet with your pastor, or mentor to seek for guidance and counselling. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Do I want to get married?
  • Am I ready to get married?
  • Do I love him/her?
  • Is God saying yes?
  • Do my people love him/her?
  • Am I ready to be selfless?
  • Can I take care of a  home?
  • Am I sure or is this a 'maybe'?
If you can answer a good resounding YES and AMEN to all of the above then you're good to go, if not then take some chill pills because you're not ready mister. You are 34 doesn't mean you're mature enough to handle the duress of marriage. Nopes miss, no!
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't believe you have to know your partner well enough before you get married. Even if you date for ten years, there will still be some hidden traits patiently waiting to erupt in your marital home, so forget the knowing your partner well enough-ish! Adam didn't have to court Eve or 'know her well enough' before he said:  'at last here is my own kind-bone taken from my bone, and flesh from my flesh-Gen2:23. Do you want to know why? Because God was involved. Eve was given to Adam by God. He trusted God and married Eve immediately. Adam didn't say, 'but chill oh! i just met her nah...what if she snores, or she can't 'perform' well (please take note of this part very well because I will be coming back to it in the sex talk). No doubt, Baba God you try oh, the babe set wella but let me study her first ehn biko'.
So what am I saying?! I'm s-a-y-i-n-g all you need for a perfect marriage is a perfect assurance from beyond so if or when your spouse starts messing up you can confidently go on your knees and demand from God to make things right because He told you he/she was yours! 
Devil wants imperfect marriages because a perfect one scares him and I'm sure divorces gives him orgasms! Don't give the devil a chance because you are desperate, because the dude is extra romantic and rich, or because the babe is a perfect size 10 with bootey like that of beyonce's and bosom like Ronke Oshodi Oke! Give God a chance and involve him now now with immediate alacrity, let Him give you  a partner that would help you implement your dreams and make you smile without much ado. 
Does your spouse to be drink or smoke? Clubs or party like there's no tomorrow? Sees no wrong in premarital sex? A Sunday Sunday tonic church goer? Watches porn videos like he's being paid to do it? Facebooks and tweets like there it's going out of vogue? Or chill sef, maybe both of you actually go to these clubs together, dance to the latest lady Gaga's single then quickly go to a dark corner and have a quickie...? If you answered yes to all of these and you see no wrong in them, hehehe*wipes tears from eyes* I laugh hysterically in Zulu!  Good luck to you but when cheating stories starts kindly keep them to yourself. Thank you *rme* 
Sorry folks but there's little or no remedy or solution to cheating spouses, because you probably married the wrong partner in the first instance. The only solution sadly is divorce, or keep exercising patience while praying. If you cheat in return you are only inviting more curses to your home and for God's sake pity your children because they would also share in them. So it's better you avoid it than regret it later. But remember to get the right partner, you have to be the right partner yourself. Work on yourself, read books, read your bible and most importantly PRAY!

To be Continued...

Monday, 2 July 2012

Sex Sells Shit!!!

Hello beautiful people! Been a long while and I sincerely apologize *puppy eye face*. I believe I was either just plain lazy, reading other blogs or had a writers' block (yimu).
I was doing my normal daily aproco, surfing the net and looking for juicy gist, actually gist about Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian' s recently rumored break up when I stumbled upon these advert pictures and I was like, Sweet Macaroni and Cheese! I must share!
Campaigns are getting vulgar and controversial these days and I trust my fellow Naija people, we would soon start copying this balderdash. As an ad freak I understand that we have to think outside the box, in fact think like there's no box but apparently these pictures show no boundaries and move towards profanity. 
At times, I have to do the sign of the cross before watching some music videos because of the dark contents, vulgarity and demonic symbols being used now. Do I have to cover my eyes when I see billboards, or quickly change channels when an advert is about to be shown?! E don tire me oh. Is it not to sell product kwa?! Or am I missing something?!
MTN started with 'Mama na boy' campaign, and even though our fellow feminists noticed the use of "na boy" and critiqued it, MTN still obviously won our hearts and chopped our money seriously (I bought my SIM card 11k which is still peppering me). What about 'Oh Jerry'? Justin Bieber's 'Someday' fragrance campaign nko?! they all did well in the market and are still doing well. 
I think our fellow oyinbo people are overrating this 'sex sells' thingy too much. All I can see in these pictures are homosexuality, nudity,drug addiction and sex orgy, I can't see the campaigns. So the intent for the ad in the first instance is lost. 
It is well o! I drop my pen.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Diary of a Young Nigerian Virgin

November 30, 2004
On my bed, listening to coolfm

Dear Diary,
Hey wassup. Did you miss me?! Well I missed you! I'm so sorry I haven't gisted you about what's been going on. I've been mad busy that's why, that school finally called me so I've been preparing for school (yes school darling! I'm gonna be a uni girl soon) and stuff. Did I gist you about Dada's birthday?! Geez I almost got grounded for life o! So Dada came over to celebrate his birthday with me, fortunately mummy wasn't at home so we had our little party of two at home. I bought him a mug with a cute teddy bear in it for him (don't abuse me o). There were some bottles of teezers at home so we just sat on the couch watching tv, gisting and drinking our teezers when I suddenly heard my name. Shit shit shit!!! 'That's my mum' I said to him as I pushed him towards my big sister's room and told him to hide behind the door. I quickly ran outside noticed his shoes which I quickly flung into the flowers and went with my heart beating voilently to open the gate for my mum. I was surprised she didn't notice my unease. She stepped into the sitting room and noticed the drinks, she went 'ku igbadun' and went into her room to pick up some stuff she forgot. Did I mention that the room Dada was hiding was opposite my mum's? Well it was! So as she stepped out, she noticed the gift on my sister's bed and entered the room. She asked me who had the gift and I told her my sis told me to help her wrap it (I knew I would always become a good liar lawyer someday). She dropped it, and left the room and then home eventually.
I ran to the room and told Dada she had left and boy, was he sweating! Heeyah! Things we do for love shei?! Hahahaha! That's me laughing.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

This Down Feeling Though!

The worst feeling you can ever get is what I call the ‘down feeling’. What is the down feeling? This is when you are at your most vulnerable moment. When you reflect on your past and present life and conclude that you are the most miserable person on earth. When you fight your faith, shun the natural urge of strength that comes at this particular period, hate every other person apart from yourself, cry your heart out and at times make decisions that would mar you forever. Become heartless, selfish, nasty, a bully, drug addict, bitter, backslider, grumpy, ill mannered and at times fat. I don’t know if other people have this feeling every once in a while or ways they tackle it but I do know I get this feeling and I’m not proudly saying so. If someone asked me what to do in situations like this I would simply advice the person to curb this feeling with the word of God. But I seem not to apply this to myself. What I do is watch really funny comedies, laugh out loud and byebye, down feeling is gone…temporarily.
The funny aspect of this down moment is that I know the right thing to do. I know down feeling is just a subtle name for depression which in turn is an instrument of the devil which in turn is caused by fear, distrust and anxiety which in turn God hates. In fact it is a sin (perhaps I should put it in my kojo rara list) because distrust and fear disregards faith and without faith it is impossible to please God. Maybe that is what makes it so bitterly sweet. Wallowing in self pity, being an ingrate for being alive, focusing on stuff you don’t have rather than speaking in faith that you shall get them or remembering that all (all not some) things work together for good to them that love God.
Okay seriously people, do you experience this down feeling? Is it normal or just plain abnormal evil? Do strong people go through moments like this or only insecure selfish people? If it is normal, how do you practically curb this in your way? And if it is normal, is it possible to shut out this down feeling forever?
Hope you had a splendid holiday people?! And don’t forget His Grace is sufficient!

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Diary of a Young Nigerian Virgin

November 20, 2004 11:23pm. On my bed.
Dear Diary,
What do you define as your first kiss? Is it when someone just plants a kiss on your lips? Or when someone actually kisses you and you feel that sweet tingle down your spine? Or when you kiss someone not because you feel like kissing the person but because you want to kiss the person from the heart? Hmmmm serious talk today ba? Let me tell you the genesis of this kiss theory that has suddenly taken over my thought pattern this evening and to make it worse I'm ovulating so I'm extra hormonal. Crying one moment, laughing later and then extra sensitive another. I tire o. We girls sef we get wahala. So as I was saying, someone asked me(okay 'him',you know nah) if I had ever been kissed and I told him no. After he left, I started thinking about that silly guy who once forcefully stuck his long yellow tongue in my mouth. That mumu guy was supposed to be Idowu's scoper o. That fateful evening, I was going to give mommy food at the shop when he called me. I innocently went to meet him and he started telling me how I looked like Idowu and all sorts of rubbish before I knew it Fiam!his tongue was in my mouth. Sweet diary, I ran out of his ugly office where he sold phones and spat all through the day. So, can I refer to that as a kiss? And no, I didn't tell Idowu. I just pretended nothing happened but kept on bad mouthing the guy to her anytime she talked about him. Pedophile oshi!
Well, whatever joo, it's not as if I love kissing in the first instance (yeah right!) all I know is that my genuine soul tingling, delicious, lovey dovey, spit swapping, tongue stroking kiss is gonna be in front of the altar and my parent would look on and wonder where did she learn that from?!
Good night Diary.