Friday, 5 October 2012

Diary of a Young Nigerian Virgin

May 23 2005
On my bed...
Dear diary,
Hey I'm 18 today(dancing to Ciara's 1,2 step). My life couldn't be better mehn. I have a boyfriend, I'm in school (though not reading the course I've always dreamt of but I dey shool sha), my life is absolutely rosy and yeah I'm still a virgin. So I thought of doing something today. I want to write a letter to my future self. Let's say in like 10 years time. So here goes (I'm so excited)

Dear Aunty Me (psych..*giggling* Ok seriously),

Hi, this is 18 year old tiny me. I'm sure you are smiling reading this letter and wondering how cute or incorrigible or perhaps jobless you were when you were younger. Well I actually am jobless, a little bit incorrigible and very cute. I sleep like a log and stab lectures like an angry wife would her abusive husband. I eat like a mosquito and I've lost so much weight. My once upon a time big bosom have somehow disappeared with my weight and I still don't have large hips, my hips are as narrow as the road to heaven. So that is how I look like now, but to make it easier for you,I would definitely take photo with Ugo outside before I leave the hall so that you can see how you looked when you clocked 18! 
So how am I doing? Do I have hips now? Are my breasts bigger? Who is your husband? I hope you really love him? What about the kids? How many do you have now? Remember we've or I or you ( anyone jare) always wanted four children, 2 boys and 2 girls. Is Dada the lucky hubby? Ohhh how I wish I could time travel and quickly have a look at the future. Ok so that's why you are there, no hurries I guess.
Now the main gist. How was the sex? As in the wedding night? Did you see the moon and stars or fireworks?! Ooohlalala...oh bwoi I hope the wait was worth it ooo because I'm going through a lot of stress and mockery keeping it here (well you know that already). Yesterday, Moni and Hajarat were gisting about their bfs and how they do it and stuff and they were expecting me to contribute but I just shrugged and walked away. Thank God for Dada sha. Dude is realllyyy understanding and I think it helps that we are miles apart. 
How about work? Hope you are now a popular TV personality and column writer in a fashion magazine? Do you grace red carpets with your unconventional style and earn the top spots on best dressed lists? Did you travel to Dubai at last for that Aladdinish holiday I've always craved for? I hope the answer is yes oo? What about that dream car, that fine Mercedes Benz jeep ride? I hope you've been answering yes all through if not, what have you been doing? What did you do for the past last 10 years, were you sleeping all through, or frozen in a special time machine that just recently defrosted you? 
Oh yeah!Church? Are you now a teenage church pastor? Do you counsel single ladies in relationships? Are you sure of being rapture-able now? I did the bible reading in church at home last month and I felt so comfortable on the pulpit, that is where I ought to be and I hope you've made that dream come through? 
Are you still friends with Ireti, Moni, Hajara, Peju, Lanre, Bola, Chinenye? how are they now? I'm sure they are married to and living fulfilled lives. though I suspect that Hajara to be NFA at times. The chic is gonna be comfortable being a trophy wife. Well na she sabi, that's an ambition too, at least technically speaking.
How is Nigeria? Is Obasanjo still the president? Or is a youth leading us now? Do we now have stable electricity..water..? Do we now have good roads and are we now a financially stable economy? (and yeah is coke now N100?)Remember we used to joke about you being the first female president? Hahahaha dream on dear. I know you're not yet, maybe 10 years from now (as in counting down from your own time).
I'm sure you are tired now as per busy rich career woman,mother and wifey level thingies, so let me drop my pen here. I hope you answered yes to all my questions because they are just the basic ones if not be sad, be very sad. In fact forget you saw 'if not' because I trust you. I never disappoint. You never disappoint, we never disappoint. 
Regards to the kids and husband. Tell them I've always loved them and I still pray for them to be the best-est!

Yours, Plenty Wet Kisses

N.B- Hope you've stopped chewing your nails and tongue too?!

So that's it. I hope me in ten years time get to respond to this someday with a smile on my face on not tears dropping down on the sheets. Time to get dressed for classes. It's gonna be a beautiful day. Gist ya later!